just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
