I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
