i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
