She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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