Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
