Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
