I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
