she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
