This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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