we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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