Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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