Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
