ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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