The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
