life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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