dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
