New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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