i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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