Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize