More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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