You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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