who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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