I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize