pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
