I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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