so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
