So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
