So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hippo gnu deer
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
