I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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