Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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