you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You are the jesus of drinking
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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