the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
