Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
