It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She bit a glass in half.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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