Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
