Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
