Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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