I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
