i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
