i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
