I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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