it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
