Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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