Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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