Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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