i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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