she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
