I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
