I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
