Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
