just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
