too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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