i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
