We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
