oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
