When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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