He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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