not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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