I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
